I've been having a lot of trouble lately. Trouble finding the words to say I miss you. I just keep it all inside. I don't know how to express myself anymore and I get so angry. And it builds up and builds up. And I've been having trouble crying. I finally did after a few days this evening. I feel a little better-a very little. Though I don't feel very well physically. I can hardly write anything.
I tell people that I'm going to try and go back to work next week. I don't really want to. I hate the thought of people asking me how being a mom is. I'm afraid I'll just go and start to break down in front of everyone and cry. I don't want to work there anymore. I don't really want to work anywhere. Who likes working anyway?
So much pain. You should have been 3 weeks old today. It was horrible at church Sunday. PT was doing the announcements and he was saying how two women who just had babies had brought them to church for the first time. Then he asked how many weeks the first was-4 weeks in a couple days and the second was 2 weeks in a couple days. Born one week before and one week after you. It seems like a cruel joke. Something that will constantly taunt/haunt me for the rest of my life. People might say that I won't always feel that way, I'll have other kids, but what do they know? Most likely nothing. I pretty much just hate everyone right now though so that could be the reason for the attitude. Actually I don't. I"m just angry and anyone could be the focal point of my anger for no reason whatsoever. Just unlucky they are I guess.
I'm probably going to be up all night. I took a nap earlier. But I"m in pain so I wish i weren't. I wish a lot of things that aren't going to happen though so. So nothing. And that's the point isn't it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
This sums it up not half bad.
"From Where You Are"
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
-LifeHouse
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
-LifeHouse
Way too many thoughts rushing through my mind to have a title
You should have been 2 weeks old yesterday. I feel like I say that with some anger. I guess I do. I feel like it's unfair that you aren't here. Not logically. Logically I know that God had/has a purpose for your death and that things will work out for good in the long run. I know I don't deserve anything at all really. But it hurts so much and everyone else can be happy but not me. There are all these people and I just want to scream at them that my baby girl is dead, how can you just sit there and be happy? Like the florist today when we went to pick up flowers for you. She was just throwing the flowers around and not treating them gently at all and I just wanted to yell at her and ask if she had any decency or respect at all. I know it doesn't matter because we picked your flowers and they were lovely and I know you liked them, but it just hurts.
I think that's partly why the hospice lady bothered me. She was wearing a jean jacket and a beaded belt with charms hanging off of it. And it seems shallow but I feel like she should at least be professional and be sad like me-or at least dress like it. Tara says it's a good thing that she is objective because maybe she can be more helpful. She's right-though we're still going to ask for a new person I think.
But I am glad Tara pointed that out, so I don't scream at the florist. She was also pushy which always gets me no matter what state of mind I'm in. She had a meeting or something I guess.
Speaking of Tara, she let me sleep over there last night. I watched Thor, which probably would have been a find movie but took place in like 2 days. People don't change that fast. After that we pretty much went to sleep.
Today was daddy's first day of work at his new job. That's why I wanted to make sure I was with people so I wouldn't be too sad. It worked okay. The whole morning I had to figure out how to get daddy's lunch to him. I did eventually :) It was nice to see him. Then I kept hanging out with Mommyo, she's letting me make a photo album with pictures of you in it! It's a lot of fun, but it's really hard too.
It's hard to look at pictures of you and know I won't see the sweetheart in them again. Not in this life anyway. It just makes me long to kiss your face and hold your hands again. And then I hurt all over again.
Of course we went to see you again today. I can't bear to think of you not having flowers. I partly because right now there is nothing else to mark your grave and I don't want you to feel like you're unloved or forgotten. I know in my head you know you are beyond loved by the Lord and you know we care, but I can't let go yet. Sometimes I wonder when I'll be able to.Sometimes I worry that daddy will want to stop going before me. I don't know how to feel about it. Is it a good thing, a bad thing, just a thing. I don't know, I have so many emotions its hard to figure them out.
I miss you so much baby girl. I don't know how many times I wanted to open this blog up and just write that over and over. Someday. That's all I can cling to right now. Anything else and I fall apart.
Love, Mommy
I think that's partly why the hospice lady bothered me. She was wearing a jean jacket and a beaded belt with charms hanging off of it. And it seems shallow but I feel like she should at least be professional and be sad like me-or at least dress like it. Tara says it's a good thing that she is objective because maybe she can be more helpful. She's right-though we're still going to ask for a new person I think.
But I am glad Tara pointed that out, so I don't scream at the florist. She was also pushy which always gets me no matter what state of mind I'm in. She had a meeting or something I guess.
Speaking of Tara, she let me sleep over there last night. I watched Thor, which probably would have been a find movie but took place in like 2 days. People don't change that fast. After that we pretty much went to sleep.
Today was daddy's first day of work at his new job. That's why I wanted to make sure I was with people so I wouldn't be too sad. It worked okay. The whole morning I had to figure out how to get daddy's lunch to him. I did eventually :) It was nice to see him. Then I kept hanging out with Mommyo, she's letting me make a photo album with pictures of you in it! It's a lot of fun, but it's really hard too.
It's hard to look at pictures of you and know I won't see the sweetheart in them again. Not in this life anyway. It just makes me long to kiss your face and hold your hands again. And then I hurt all over again.
Of course we went to see you again today. I can't bear to think of you not having flowers. I partly because right now there is nothing else to mark your grave and I don't want you to feel like you're unloved or forgotten. I know in my head you know you are beyond loved by the Lord and you know we care, but I can't let go yet. Sometimes I wonder when I'll be able to.Sometimes I worry that daddy will want to stop going before me. I don't know how to feel about it. Is it a good thing, a bad thing, just a thing. I don't know, I have so many emotions its hard to figure them out.
I miss you so much baby girl. I don't know how many times I wanted to open this blog up and just write that over and over. Someday. That's all I can cling to right now. Anything else and I fall apart.
Love, Mommy
Monday, November 7, 2011
What color were your eyes?
It's a question that I'll probably wonder the rest of my life. Your eyes weren't really open, and they seemed to have a sort of film over what I could see. I didn't want to lift your eyelids then but now I kinda wish I did. I wish I had seen all of you, that I hadn't been so afraid. Now I'll never know. Not until heaven I guess. Heaven seems so far away sometimes.
Had the hospice lady come today. A counselor. I don't think our personalities meshed very well. She was a little off-putting to me, and I didn't find her to be helpful at all. At least it brought up things for me and daddy to talk about when she was gone. Gave me a chance to cry and feel things that I was holding back. I don't mean to do that, to just put things on the back shelf. Well sometimes I do, but normally it pushes its way forward. The last few days it's just stayed in the back and I felt emptyish. I guess the lady did say that sometimes it takes just as much energy to not think about it as to think about it, if not more. So I guess that makes me feel...not better. Hm maybe more normal. Anyway I know to watch out for it. I'm so tired a lot. Also she looked at some of your pictures. I like to show you off so that made me happy. And I looked at them again myself. I had been having trouble pulling them out. You were so beautiful.
I told daddy it frustrates me so that other moms can post tons of baby pictures, but I really can't. Even the ones I have, I have to be selective with. People who don't know you wouldn't understand why your face was darker and why your eyes look different from other babies. Even if they did maybe other people would think its strange for me to even have pictures taken of you even though you were gone from us. But its the only memories we have with you. Though I desperately wish that wasn't the case. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think. But I want you to be honored and maybe that means I only get to show you to a few people. You get to be our precious JEM. And anyone who gets to know you is blessed.
Love,
Mommy
Had the hospice lady come today. A counselor. I don't think our personalities meshed very well. She was a little off-putting to me, and I didn't find her to be helpful at all. At least it brought up things for me and daddy to talk about when she was gone. Gave me a chance to cry and feel things that I was holding back. I don't mean to do that, to just put things on the back shelf. Well sometimes I do, but normally it pushes its way forward. The last few days it's just stayed in the back and I felt emptyish. I guess the lady did say that sometimes it takes just as much energy to not think about it as to think about it, if not more. So I guess that makes me feel...not better. Hm maybe more normal. Anyway I know to watch out for it. I'm so tired a lot. Also she looked at some of your pictures. I like to show you off so that made me happy. And I looked at them again myself. I had been having trouble pulling them out. You were so beautiful.
I told daddy it frustrates me so that other moms can post tons of baby pictures, but I really can't. Even the ones I have, I have to be selective with. People who don't know you wouldn't understand why your face was darker and why your eyes look different from other babies. Even if they did maybe other people would think its strange for me to even have pictures taken of you even though you were gone from us. But its the only memories we have with you. Though I desperately wish that wasn't the case. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think. But I want you to be honored and maybe that means I only get to show you to a few people. You get to be our precious JEM. And anyone who gets to know you is blessed.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I still miss you love
I'm still sad most days. It's hard not to be. Sometimes it feels like its hard to function, like I'm just a shell full of sadness. I know that's not how you would want me to be. But it's hard not to lay there at night and wish I was holding you and not just your little blankie. I am glad I have it though. And your little heartbeat bear. I play your heartbeat a lot. Reminds me of the happy feelings we had at the dr.s office. But I have to try to keep going. God had a purpose and plan for you. And He does for me too. I know I'm allowed to be sad, but I can't let it consume me. That's going to be my goal. I wish it weren't so hard. I do something with friends or daddy and I feel okay for awhile. But if I just sit myself or have much time to think about things I become down again.
Also I'm a little worried that I've lost my good eating habits. I don't drink as much water and I've eaten 2 bags of chocolate chex mix in two days. It's just so good. I wish milk and all that still tasted funny and I could eat fruit again. It's silly to worry about. I just won't buy anymore chocolate chex eh?
Something nice though is that I've been able to have fires in the fire place. It makes things cozier down here. You would have liked it. Makes everything nice and warm. And since you wouldn't be able to walk yet I wouldn't have to worry about you trying to get to it. Maybe your brother or sisters I'll have to watch with that in a few years. Some days I don't know if I want kids. They'll never be you. I'm sure I'll love them for them,but I'll still think of you. Still love you. I'll always do that.
Love, Mommy
Also I'm a little worried that I've lost my good eating habits. I don't drink as much water and I've eaten 2 bags of chocolate chex mix in two days. It's just so good. I wish milk and all that still tasted funny and I could eat fruit again. It's silly to worry about. I just won't buy anymore chocolate chex eh?
Something nice though is that I've been able to have fires in the fire place. It makes things cozier down here. You would have liked it. Makes everything nice and warm. And since you wouldn't be able to walk yet I wouldn't have to worry about you trying to get to it. Maybe your brother or sisters I'll have to watch with that in a few years. Some days I don't know if I want kids. They'll never be you. I'm sure I'll love them for them,but I'll still think of you. Still love you. I'll always do that.
Love, Mommy
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Drowning
I don't feel like I can do this. I miss you too much. I can usually hold it together during the day. But at night when I'm tired and don't have the energy to keep telling myself I'm okay, I fall apart. You should have been a week old today. Not a week gone from me. I just want you back. To hold your hands in mine and kiss your face. But I can't do that anymore. I know I should be grateful for the time I had with you, lots of people don't even get that. But I don't care what others have or don't have. I just want you here.
I'm going to see you tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'll bring you a pretty pink flower. I don't know though. maybe you're tired of pink? Also I'm reminded I need to find a group to talk about you. I can't do this alone. I have daddy, but he can't do everything for me. He already does so much. Of course he's always willing to talk to me about you and let me cry. He misses you too.
Hey I finally finished the drawing of your name. Well the drawing was finished awhile ago, but I hadn't finished the pastels. Now I have. I read that channeling my feelings into something positive might help. I guess. For awhile anyway. I love you Jael.
Love, Mommy
I'm going to see you tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'll bring you a pretty pink flower. I don't know though. maybe you're tired of pink? Also I'm reminded I need to find a group to talk about you. I can't do this alone. I have daddy, but he can't do everything for me. He already does so much. Of course he's always willing to talk to me about you and let me cry. He misses you too.
Hey I finally finished the drawing of your name. Well the drawing was finished awhile ago, but I hadn't finished the pastels. Now I have. I read that channeling my feelings into something positive might help. I guess. For awhile anyway. I love you Jael.
Love, Mommy
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween sadness
Well I started writing about labor yesterday but I had to go to bed half way and tonight I'm on a different computer and too tired to finish. So today was Halloween. Usually not a big deal. Today started that way. Played with the dog, slept some more, read the Bible, got stuff ready to go out for the day. Went to Wal-mart to picture up some photo cards I made of you Jael. That way I could give them to the dr.s that were so nice and all. The lady there asked if I was your mommy and congratulated me. I said thank you and then she asked how old you were. I said you were born last Tuesday. I almost started to cry. After I got some of your pictures we went to an interview for daddy and lunch and then Dr.s. We gave the dr.s your pictures and they were thrilled. So that made me feel good. The dr. also said I was healing up just fine. That was good news.
Later we went to a store and I bought a hat that has a cat on it. Daddy said I looked really cute. Then we went to a friends house. We had yummy dinner and for awhile I wasn't too sad. I can't help it though. I just think about you all the time. I miss you. After dinner we sat outside to pass out candy bars. Seeing all the kids in costumes made me think of a cow costume that I saw that I would have loved to put you in. Not that we really do Halloween, but it still would have been cute. I was also thinking how nice it would be if daddy started a fire and you and he and I were sitting on the couch feeding and rocking you and enjoying being a family. So eventually instead of crying I decided to go inside. Then Tara,daddy and I went to the store and that helped take my mind off things. But not for long.
It was also a sad day because another person from church one year ago lost their little girl. Maybe you've met her? I hope so. I bet you've made so many new friends. I wish I could be there to guide you and see you grow. I wonder if you will grow while I'm away or if you'll still be my little baby girl. I guess I won't know until we meet again.
I still love you always,
Mommy
Later we went to a store and I bought a hat that has a cat on it. Daddy said I looked really cute. Then we went to a friends house. We had yummy dinner and for awhile I wasn't too sad. I can't help it though. I just think about you all the time. I miss you. After dinner we sat outside to pass out candy bars. Seeing all the kids in costumes made me think of a cow costume that I saw that I would have loved to put you in. Not that we really do Halloween, but it still would have been cute. I was also thinking how nice it would be if daddy started a fire and you and he and I were sitting on the couch feeding and rocking you and enjoying being a family. So eventually instead of crying I decided to go inside. Then Tara,daddy and I went to the store and that helped take my mind off things. But not for long.
It was also a sad day because another person from church one year ago lost their little girl. Maybe you've met her? I hope so. I bet you've made so many new friends. I wish I could be there to guide you and see you grow. I wonder if you will grow while I'm away or if you'll still be my little baby girl. I guess I won't know until we meet again.
I still love you always,
Mommy
Monday, October 24, 2011
Today's the day little princess
Today's the day they predicted you would be born. October 24th. We've spent the last 40 weeks together. 9 whole months. It's been hard and it's been wonderful too. I would do it all over again for you. It's hard to know what to feel today. Part of me is tired and sore and glad that I won't be feeling sick everyday. But most mom's get to feel that without guilt because they get to hold their little ones in their arms and raise them and love them the rest of their lives. But I don't get to have you and hold you for that long. I don't know how long we'll be together. I wish I knew. I wish it were forever.
But I am comforted in the fact that I know the one who will be holding you forever. When you are no longer with me anymore, it'll be Jesus holding on to you. He is mighty and strong. But you don't have to be afraid. Because while He's like a lion, He is also like a lamb. He is gentle and loving and caring. And that's the side He'll show to do. He's the one who's been protecting you this whole time. And you'll get to see and experience so many new things. I mean I've done as much with you as I could, but there are sights and sounds and smells that even if you were on the earth for a time you would never see here. You know how you like the music at church, well you'll be hearing the most beautiful music and dancing around just like you do in church. There will be lots of people who want to meet you. And it'll feel like no time at all until we are together again.
So let me tell you about tonight and tomorrow. Tonight you and me and daddy are going to the hospital. They'll listen to your heartbeat once and put that machine on my belly to feel contractions-most likely anyway. Then they'll give me medicine to make sure you can come out nice and easy. We'll have some friends over too to chit chat and keep our spirits up. Then hopefully we'll be able to sleep, and that will be our last night with you swimming around in there.
The next morning they're gonna look at me and make sure things are good for you to come out. If they are then they'll give me another type of medicine. That's when it happens. I don't really know what you'll feel to be honest. But I'll be feeling what's called contractions. They don't feel very good, so if you hear me make some noises its okay, things are normal. And you'll be moving down and down and then suddenly out you'll be. Where I'm hoping and praying that you'll feel that air and give a good cry and breathe just right and they'll wrap you up and hand you to me and daddy. And we'll cry and tell you how much we love you and how glad we are to see you. No matter what happens though, know that we love you always.
Love your Mommy always
But I am comforted in the fact that I know the one who will be holding you forever. When you are no longer with me anymore, it'll be Jesus holding on to you. He is mighty and strong. But you don't have to be afraid. Because while He's like a lion, He is also like a lamb. He is gentle and loving and caring. And that's the side He'll show to do. He's the one who's been protecting you this whole time. And you'll get to see and experience so many new things. I mean I've done as much with you as I could, but there are sights and sounds and smells that even if you were on the earth for a time you would never see here. You know how you like the music at church, well you'll be hearing the most beautiful music and dancing around just like you do in church. There will be lots of people who want to meet you. And it'll feel like no time at all until we are together again.
So let me tell you about tonight and tomorrow. Tonight you and me and daddy are going to the hospital. They'll listen to your heartbeat once and put that machine on my belly to feel contractions-most likely anyway. Then they'll give me medicine to make sure you can come out nice and easy. We'll have some friends over too to chit chat and keep our spirits up. Then hopefully we'll be able to sleep, and that will be our last night with you swimming around in there.
The next morning they're gonna look at me and make sure things are good for you to come out. If they are then they'll give me another type of medicine. That's when it happens. I don't really know what you'll feel to be honest. But I'll be feeling what's called contractions. They don't feel very good, so if you hear me make some noises its okay, things are normal. And you'll be moving down and down and then suddenly out you'll be. Where I'm hoping and praying that you'll feel that air and give a good cry and breathe just right and they'll wrap you up and hand you to me and daddy. And we'll cry and tell you how much we love you and how glad we are to see you. No matter what happens though, know that we love you always.
Love your Mommy always
Monday, October 17, 2011
A good day
Well Jaelly belly today was our last amnio reduction! And you were perfect! I think you were napping, so you didn't try and kick or grab the needle. The Lord really blessed us because it didn't hurt like it did the last few times. I was able to walk around all on my own this time. Then we went up to our regular Dr. and he checked and said nothing much has changed down there. I observed to daddy that when ever this Dr. checks around down there it doesn't hurt as much as when we've had to go to labor and delivery and had the house Dr. check me. Daddy said it could have something to do with the fact I know our Dr. better and trust him so I don't tense up so much. I said well maybe...and he said, "it's basically someone walking into a room and saying 'hi we just met, but I'm gonna shove my hand up your whooha'." He's funny. And probably right. Something else I realized today is that I've never gone swimming with you, but really with all the fluid you have in there you kind are swimming all the time! But we did get you some more books so we can read to you lots this week. And daddy had the great idea of reading the Bible out loud to you in the mornings. We also got some books and a dvd about giving birth and breathing right for me. I have to practice breathing and relaxing every day because I tend not to breathe when I'm in pain.
I should also tell you that you're big day is going to be planned tomorrow morning. If you decide not to come out on your own this week you'll be making your debut either Tuesday or Wednesday! So there you have it-if you want to come out sooner that's okay. If you don't that's okay too. We just want to spend as much time with you as we can. You're so dear to us. Oh guess what you get to celebrate my birthday with me tomorrow. We'll have steak and potatoes and asparagus! Then the next day we have pho at Noggins. So lots to do this week, last minute preparations and the like. But I feel at peace. Just if you want to come out early-if you could wait a few more days that way I can read and watch the birthing stuff. Just an idea anyway :P I love you my little rough and tumble girl.
Love, Mommy
I should also tell you that you're big day is going to be planned tomorrow morning. If you decide not to come out on your own this week you'll be making your debut either Tuesday or Wednesday! So there you have it-if you want to come out sooner that's okay. If you don't that's okay too. We just want to spend as much time with you as we can. You're so dear to us. Oh guess what you get to celebrate my birthday with me tomorrow. We'll have steak and potatoes and asparagus! Then the next day we have pho at Noggins. So lots to do this week, last minute preparations and the like. But I feel at peace. Just if you want to come out early-if you could wait a few more days that way I can read and watch the birthing stuff. Just an idea anyway :P I love you my little rough and tumble girl.
Love, Mommy
Sunday, October 16, 2011
8 days little love
I didn't wanna put 7 days and 3 hours because then daddy would freak out :P But there it is. I almost thought you were coming today! This morning there was lots of contractions pretty darn close together. But after I ate and tried not to panic, I woke daddy up and asked him to rub my tummy because that usually helps me feel better and we watched X-men first class. It was enjoyable. We also timed the contractions and at first it was every 7 minutes, then every 8, then every 16 then not for 45. So eventually we all calmed down. Then I was finally able to sleep after not sleeping so well. I've noticed that-if I don't sleep so good this happens.
Anyway I'm a little worried for tomorrow. Thankfully it's our last amnio and I'm really hoping we don't go into labor. To tell the truth I want to recover from the soreness of that first. But if I know you, you'll come out when you want. And I must say I think I know you pretty well by now!
But right now I'm just trying to think of any last minute things we can do together as a family before you come. Let's see we've:
1. Gone to the zoo
2. Visited grandma and grandpa
3. Watched fireworks
4. Went to the farm and played with the animals
5. Picked apples and made (and ate) pie
6. Gone to the library and read books out loud
7. Shopping of course
8. Eaten lots of interesting foods.
9. We've celebrated Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's day, daddy's birthday, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July. The only things you'll miss are Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And you aren't really missing too much Halloween wise, though I would have loved to dress you up for a comic con or something. And at Thanksgiving you'll get the best feast ever and at Christmas you'll get to meet our Savior-the reason we celebrate it!
10. Went to the playground and went down a slide, went on the swings, went spinning like crazy on the merry-go-round thingy.
11. You've been to 4 states!
12. You love church! (The music is your favorite part I think)
13. We've played patty cake and given you zerberts.
14. We've even sang to you a couple times-sorry I'm not really good-but at least daddy can carry a tune.
15. You've been to a bonfire and had smores
Now I'm trying to think of any thing else we can all do together. I'll have to ponder it a little more so we can add to the list if I've missed anything.
I love you!
~Mommy
Anyway I'm a little worried for tomorrow. Thankfully it's our last amnio and I'm really hoping we don't go into labor. To tell the truth I want to recover from the soreness of that first. But if I know you, you'll come out when you want. And I must say I think I know you pretty well by now!
But right now I'm just trying to think of any last minute things we can do together as a family before you come. Let's see we've:
1. Gone to the zoo
2. Visited grandma and grandpa
3. Watched fireworks
4. Went to the farm and played with the animals
5. Picked apples and made (and ate) pie
6. Gone to the library and read books out loud
7. Shopping of course
8. Eaten lots of interesting foods.
9. We've celebrated Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's day, daddy's birthday, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July. The only things you'll miss are Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And you aren't really missing too much Halloween wise, though I would have loved to dress you up for a comic con or something. And at Thanksgiving you'll get the best feast ever and at Christmas you'll get to meet our Savior-the reason we celebrate it!
10. Went to the playground and went down a slide, went on the swings, went spinning like crazy on the merry-go-round thingy.
11. You've been to 4 states!
12. You love church! (The music is your favorite part I think)
13. We've played patty cake and given you zerberts.
14. We've even sang to you a couple times-sorry I'm not really good-but at least daddy can carry a tune.
15. You've been to a bonfire and had smores
Now I'm trying to think of any thing else we can all do together. I'll have to ponder it a little more so we can add to the list if I've missed anything.
I love you!
~Mommy
Sunday, October 9, 2011
15 days
Only 45 minutes of of 15 days. Then 14 days. Little princess where has the time gone? I mean of course I know tomorrow is 38 weeks, but to see the number 15 days...wow. There's a lot to do in a little time. Not all of it having to do with you. There's something I have to do that will be difficult, but it will only be worse if I wait until after you come. I don't look forward to it. I do however look forward to meeting you. It will be one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't look forward to letting you go though. That's why I'm dreading when the timer is up. I'm also afraid that we'll have less time than even 14 days. If the amnio doesn't go well tomorrow again and they're worried that it's too much stress for you then I'll be afraid to do the last one. But there's danger if I just leave it off and wait till 40 weeks. I don't know what to do. But you are in the Lord's hands. I have to keep trusting that He'll guide me to do the right thing. I mean after all even though the amnio wasn't the best last week, you came through like a champ. I guess my worry is that it will weaken you. Now I'm just repeating myself.
Anyway you went to your first women's retreat. Even got some pretty pink pearls for you.Laid them right on my tummy for you. You also made a new friend. Her name is Willow. She's a little younger than you are, but she also has some problems. But when you get to heaven you'll have to pray for your new friend that the Dr.s can take good care of her. Though I think it would be wonderful if you two could meet in person. But if you can't I know you'll look out for her from above.I wish things didn't have to be this way. With everything that I am. It seems so hollow when I say that. Like its not enough. And it isn't. I can't even convey the words. Well it's officially 14 days now beloved. Time for us to get some rest. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Anyway you went to your first women's retreat. Even got some pretty pink pearls for you.Laid them right on my tummy for you. You also made a new friend. Her name is Willow. She's a little younger than you are, but she also has some problems. But when you get to heaven you'll have to pray for your new friend that the Dr.s can take good care of her. Though I think it would be wonderful if you two could meet in person. But if you can't I know you'll look out for her from above.I wish things didn't have to be this way. With everything that I am. It seems so hollow when I say that. Like its not enough. And it isn't. I can't even convey the words. Well it's officially 14 days now beloved. Time for us to get some rest. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, September 26, 2011
Hope
Hope. Such a dangerous idea. I want to hold onto it so much. But I want to protect myself from it too. I know, my little princess, that your diagnosis is dire. Incompatible with life. I've seen the stats. There is a 1/4 chance you won't make it to and through birth. After that the Drs. all say pretty much the same thing. As soon as you're born or very soon after you will die. But what if. I have heard 2 stories now of children with the same diagnosis one living for 2 months, one living for 4 months. Of course as soon as I type that the doubts flood. Other kids have died sooner, other kids didn't have spinal bifida on top of things. There's too many unknowns. Too many what ifs.
But I want to keep hoping. I want to hold you in my arms and give you all the love I can. I want you to feel the cool fall breeze on your cheek. I want you to smell flowers, pumpkin pie, hazelnut and your daddy's chicken curry. I want you to see the blue sky. I want you to sleep in a bassinet next to our bed and I want to wake up to you crying or squeaking and making cute noises. So many things I want for you, that make up my dreams. But things might not go that way. So daily I have to battle. Do I hope for the best and prepare for the worst like I say that I do? Or do I prepare for the worst and expect it too? It's a hard balance to strike. One I don't know if I've done or not. The Bible talks a lot about hope. I had a verse in my mind but I like this one instead for now. I Corinthians 13:7 It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I know I don't have perfect love. Only the Lord has that, and let me tell you baby girl He loves you perfectly and so much more and better than I can. But I pray that He will fill me with Himself so I can love and hope and do all the best I can for you.
I also want to mention my "little mountain goat" that you did so well today during our fluid draining. It was a little painful for me and I was worried that I might upset you too much, but you were very calm and stayed away from the needle just like you were supposed to. So I'm grateful to the Lord for that. I'm also grateful He gave me just the right name for you. You know why? Goats can be pretty stubborn and determined. And you my little love hang on just like that. The Lord has always known you-before I did and before time itself! So keep hanging on to life. I'll keep fighting for you, and the Lord always keeps you in the palm of His hand.
Know you are the apple of the Lord's eye.
I love you,
Mommy
But I want to keep hoping. I want to hold you in my arms and give you all the love I can. I want you to feel the cool fall breeze on your cheek. I want you to smell flowers, pumpkin pie, hazelnut and your daddy's chicken curry. I want you to see the blue sky. I want you to sleep in a bassinet next to our bed and I want to wake up to you crying or squeaking and making cute noises. So many things I want for you, that make up my dreams. But things might not go that way. So daily I have to battle. Do I hope for the best and prepare for the worst like I say that I do? Or do I prepare for the worst and expect it too? It's a hard balance to strike. One I don't know if I've done or not. The Bible talks a lot about hope. I had a verse in my mind but I like this one instead for now. I Corinthians 13:7 It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I know I don't have perfect love. Only the Lord has that, and let me tell you baby girl He loves you perfectly and so much more and better than I can. But I pray that He will fill me with Himself so I can love and hope and do all the best I can for you.
I also want to mention my "little mountain goat" that you did so well today during our fluid draining. It was a little painful for me and I was worried that I might upset you too much, but you were very calm and stayed away from the needle just like you were supposed to. So I'm grateful to the Lord for that. I'm also grateful He gave me just the right name for you. You know why? Goats can be pretty stubborn and determined. And you my little love hang on just like that. The Lord has always known you-before I did and before time itself! So keep hanging on to life. I'll keep fighting for you, and the Lord always keeps you in the palm of His hand.
Know you are the apple of the Lord's eye.
I love you,
Mommy
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Dropping Down
Well today you are 35 weeks and 2 days along. We went to visit our wonderful Dr. and he told me that you had dropped down! That means you're starting to get ready for your big debut! Now it doesn't mean that you'll come tomorrow or the next day-you still might not come for a few more weeks, (which is fine-you grow all you need to) but it's one step closer! It was pretty funny when I told daddy about what the Dr. said. His jaw dropped a little and his eyes got very wide and said, "What does that mean???" I laughed and said it just meant you were closer to being ready. But he still wasn't sure so he asked me, "Okay but do I have to worry about this the next two seconds, two hours, two weeks?" I said well the Dr. said really she could come anytime because of all the fluid. But then I assured him that anytime really means could be weeks from now. Which it could. But it's so funny, I think without knowing until later that's what you were doing, I remember you dropping down. It was sometime this past week-the days kinda blur sometimes, but you were moving like crazy-like crazy, crazy! It was a little scary because I was wondering if you were okay in there, but you calmed down eventually that evening and things seemed to be okay. But yep I think dropping down is what you were up to! (It also makes sense because we're still building up fluid but I can still breathe at this point)
I also wanted to tell you about the beautiful quilt and scrapbook your family and friends made for you. Each of Mommy's family and friends sent in a piece of cloth and a note to you and two of your great aunts made two quilts and a scrapbook with the piece of cloth and note so we knew who gave which one. There's a big quilt for mommy and daddy and a little one that will stay with you. The notes of course made me cry. But it was really nice-they gave it to us at a family dinner since we didn't have a baby shower.
Its funny to think about-in a horrible sort of way. If when we found out about your brain we decided to just get rid of you I think a lot of my family probably would have supported that. That's the way it is in this country sadly. But because we didn't (and they support that) (I think they would have just supported whatever choice because its "our choice" and its not something they've gone through) they have a chance to love you and to grieve when you are gone. If I had just decided on my own then they wouldn't have had that chance. So even though your life is short my darling girl, know that you've touched lives in great ways.
I'm not sure I said that just right, but the point is, is that you were not a mistake or accident. The Lord made you for a purpose. And even though that purpose here is for a short time-it doesn't make it any less important than anyone else's purpose. Anyway I'm done rambling for now-of course you're probably used to that.
I love you,
Mommy
I also wanted to tell you about the beautiful quilt and scrapbook your family and friends made for you. Each of Mommy's family and friends sent in a piece of cloth and a note to you and two of your great aunts made two quilts and a scrapbook with the piece of cloth and note so we knew who gave which one. There's a big quilt for mommy and daddy and a little one that will stay with you. The notes of course made me cry. But it was really nice-they gave it to us at a family dinner since we didn't have a baby shower.
Its funny to think about-in a horrible sort of way. If when we found out about your brain we decided to just get rid of you I think a lot of my family probably would have supported that. That's the way it is in this country sadly. But because we didn't (and they support that) (I think they would have just supported whatever choice because its "our choice" and its not something they've gone through) they have a chance to love you and to grieve when you are gone. If I had just decided on my own then they wouldn't have had that chance. So even though your life is short my darling girl, know that you've touched lives in great ways.
I'm not sure I said that just right, but the point is, is that you were not a mistake or accident. The Lord made you for a purpose. And even though that purpose here is for a short time-it doesn't make it any less important than anyone else's purpose. Anyway I'm done rambling for now-of course you're probably used to that.
I love you,
Mommy
Friday, September 9, 2011
Your photo shoot!
What a week for the both of us! We got more fluid taken out and we saw some pictures of you during those times. Of course I love seeing you each and every time-your arms and legs-though you do like to hide your face still.
We found that out very well today! Today was your big day. Lots of people came to see you during a 3D photo shoot! My Dad and Diane and Mom and Grandma, and Daddy's Mom and Grandma. Also Betsy came and Tara, Katie, Leanna, and Naomi! So you had quite the crowd-all just to meet you! Well we got there and started looking around for you and you did not want to show your face! You either turned away completely or put your cute hands in front of your face. Stubborn just like your Mommy. But finally after a good half hour you decided to show off your pretty face. The ultrasound tech said you looked like you have my nose and chin (and I think lips)I don't know though I think she's wrong about the chin-might be more daddy's.
It was so precious to see you moving around and sucking your thumb and chewing a little on your cord. Our little princess. Our sweet little girl. Everyone thought it was so wonderful to see you. I'm so proud to have you as my daughter. You fit your name. You are a little fighter, sassy and silly and our sweetheart. Daddy came up with a great nickname for you today! Jaelly Belly! It's hard to describe how I felt watching you up there. I think in awe of the fact that I could see you and that you are in my tummy and I get to be your mommy. That and love. I love you so much more than I can say. I would do anything for you. Now just make sure that when we visit the Dr. you turn around so we can hear your heartbeat really well and record it :P
Love Mommy
We found that out very well today! Today was your big day. Lots of people came to see you during a 3D photo shoot! My Dad and Diane and Mom and Grandma, and Daddy's Mom and Grandma. Also Betsy came and Tara, Katie, Leanna, and Naomi! So you had quite the crowd-all just to meet you! Well we got there and started looking around for you and you did not want to show your face! You either turned away completely or put your cute hands in front of your face. Stubborn just like your Mommy. But finally after a good half hour you decided to show off your pretty face. The ultrasound tech said you looked like you have my nose and chin (and I think lips)I don't know though I think she's wrong about the chin-might be more daddy's.
It was so precious to see you moving around and sucking your thumb and chewing a little on your cord. Our little princess. Our sweet little girl. Everyone thought it was so wonderful to see you. I'm so proud to have you as my daughter. You fit your name. You are a little fighter, sassy and silly and our sweetheart. Daddy came up with a great nickname for you today! Jaelly Belly! It's hard to describe how I felt watching you up there. I think in awe of the fact that I could see you and that you are in my tummy and I get to be your mommy. That and love. I love you so much more than I can say. I would do anything for you. Now just make sure that when we visit the Dr. you turn around so we can hear your heartbeat really well and record it :P
Love Mommy
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Daddy felt you move and our big day yesterday
Well I can't remember the exact day, but it was in August that daddy finally felt you move! We were at the French's watching the A-team movie. Just sitting on the couch together with his hand on my belly and boom! "Was that her kicking?!" "I don't know-I couldn't tell." But then you kicked again and it was the best feeling in the whole world! It was funny the French's were with us and Betsy said later, "I heard Jessica squeal and I looked over and you were both glowing!" Since then he hasn't felt you move, but he's seen you bounce my whole stomach!
Speaking of my stomach, aka where you are currently chilling out at. This past Sunday I started having a lot of pain. I felt sick and very short of breath etc. So I went home from church layed down, but the pain wasn't leaving. So once again I called Dr. Rao for us. He told me we should come in the next morning. So the three of us went in and he saw me and measured your room and said it was getting a little bit big so he wanted to send us to get an ultrasound. Well we got to see you-which is always wonderful-you're little hands a moving and your sweet feet-right where my ribs are :P
But they also found real big pockets of fluid. The number was 39. They told me that was very high. The Dr. came and said the high end of normal is 20 and we were almost twice that! So he said come back Friday and we would talk about getting rid of some of that extra fluid so I would feel better. It was a lot to think about. If we didn't do it, I could go into labor early and there could be other complications. If I did do it I could go into labor and there would be other different complications. But we decided that getting some of the fluid out would give you a better chance of staying in your room a little longer and make me a little more comfortable.
So Friday comes around and our appointment was at 8.30. Well we get there and answer all the normal questions from the nurse and get my blood pressure taken and it turns out the Dr. is delivering another baby! Well daddy and I couldn't argue with that-babies are gonna come when they come. So we went back out into the waiting room where it was much cooler. And we waited. And waited. And waited. The receptionists and nurses felt bad for us and they kept paging and emailing the Dr. but we were okay. It was either wait until he got there at the hospital or wait at home until Tuesday. So we decided it was best to wait there. So he finally came around 11.45 and we talked and we told him we wanted to get the fluid out.
So we went into the ultrasound room and they checked your sweet little heartbeat and where you were and what level the fluid was out. Fortunately you were doing just fine, but the fluid lvl had gone up to 41! So the Dr. decided to take a liter out. He put so numbing stuff on my tummy and stuck in the needle. Who that didn't feel great! Daddy's hand got squeezed real hard! But it wasn't too too bad. They got a liter and measured the fluid again. Back to 39...so we'll see Tuesday if it goes back up. Thankfully it didn't bother you any and your heartbeat was fine and you stayed right where you were. Thank the Lord for that! I had some cramping and Dr. Rao stopped by to check on me but then we left and got lunch. So far I've been feeling better and while you have a little less room to swim you seem to be doing just fine. We love you so much. Our little princess.
Love, Mommy
Speaking of my stomach, aka where you are currently chilling out at. This past Sunday I started having a lot of pain. I felt sick and very short of breath etc. So I went home from church layed down, but the pain wasn't leaving. So once again I called Dr. Rao for us. He told me we should come in the next morning. So the three of us went in and he saw me and measured your room and said it was getting a little bit big so he wanted to send us to get an ultrasound. Well we got to see you-which is always wonderful-you're little hands a moving and your sweet feet-right where my ribs are :P
But they also found real big pockets of fluid. The number was 39. They told me that was very high. The Dr. came and said the high end of normal is 20 and we were almost twice that! So he said come back Friday and we would talk about getting rid of some of that extra fluid so I would feel better. It was a lot to think about. If we didn't do it, I could go into labor early and there could be other complications. If I did do it I could go into labor and there would be other different complications. But we decided that getting some of the fluid out would give you a better chance of staying in your room a little longer and make me a little more comfortable.
So Friday comes around and our appointment was at 8.30. Well we get there and answer all the normal questions from the nurse and get my blood pressure taken and it turns out the Dr. is delivering another baby! Well daddy and I couldn't argue with that-babies are gonna come when they come. So we went back out into the waiting room where it was much cooler. And we waited. And waited. And waited. The receptionists and nurses felt bad for us and they kept paging and emailing the Dr. but we were okay. It was either wait until he got there at the hospital or wait at home until Tuesday. So we decided it was best to wait there. So he finally came around 11.45 and we talked and we told him we wanted to get the fluid out.
So we went into the ultrasound room and they checked your sweet little heartbeat and where you were and what level the fluid was out. Fortunately you were doing just fine, but the fluid lvl had gone up to 41! So the Dr. decided to take a liter out. He put so numbing stuff on my tummy and stuck in the needle. Who that didn't feel great! Daddy's hand got squeezed real hard! But it wasn't too too bad. They got a liter and measured the fluid again. Back to 39...so we'll see Tuesday if it goes back up. Thankfully it didn't bother you any and your heartbeat was fine and you stayed right where you were. Thank the Lord for that! I had some cramping and Dr. Rao stopped by to check on me but then we left and got lunch. So far I've been feeling better and while you have a little less room to swim you seem to be doing just fine. We love you so much. Our little princess.
Love, Mommy
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy 4th of July!
Happy 4th of July my sweet baby Jael! I hope you liked the sounds and vibrations of the big booming fireworks. I love you more than words and I can't wait to hear your heartbeat again tomorrow. You are daddy's and my precious angel. I love your little kicks and the big ones too! I can't wait until daddy can feel you moving around. We can't wait until the time comes when we get to see you. Until then my beautiful girl.
All my love,
Mommy
All my love,
Mommy
Monday, June 6, 2011
We'll know soon!
So I already posted this on facebook, but I thought I'd put it here too so that everything is in one place. Then I'll add a little extra at the end.
So it's just two days away from the big reveal. So Dan and I thought it would be fun and silly to find some of the old wives tales and see what they predict. So I procured this this from parenting.com and if you all have any other old wives tales tell me, and I'll do those too! (So long as I don't have to pee in a cup of Drano...sorry that one was out)
1. Do you carry your baby high or low?
I'm not really sure. I've never had a baby and I've never viewed other pregnant woman's stomach's close up. Neither has Dan. So he thinks I carry low and I think I'm carrying higher. So according to Dan it's a boy. And according to me it's a girl...
2. Is the heartbeat over 140?
Yep both times we heard it, it sure was! The first time was 166 the second was 144. So that means you're a girl!
3. Do you crave sweet things or sour and salty things?
Sour and salty all the way! French fries and sour candy. Ice cream and chocolate aren't doing it for me these days, but that could be more because milk has been bothering me. Anyway as far as this test goes, it's a boy!
4. What does the Chinese birth calendar say? This takes your age and the month you conceived and says if it's a boy or girl.
It's a boy!
5. Even or odd? Are the numbers of my age and the numbers of the year I conceived both even? Or is one even and one odd?
One is even and one is odd. It's a boy!
6. Am I breaking out like crazy?
Not too much. It's a boy!
7. If you tie your wedding ring to a string and let it dangle over your belly does it go back and forth or swing in a circle?
Back and forth. It's a girl!
8. How's the morning sickness?
Well considering we're officially at the halfway mark and I'm still puking...It's a girl!
So all that being said and done, we have 3 it's a girl, and 4 it's a boy and one inconclusive....So really we're no closer to finding the answer. But all in all doing this was fun, and it'll be fun to see which ones are right for this baby.
So right now everyone is super excited to find out what gender you are little one! Are you Hudson or Jael? It's funny, I was thinking about the meaning of both of those names and they both have something in common. They don't have the awesomest meanings out there. Hudson means Son of a hooded man and Jael means wild mountain goat. And I myself have always thought that the meaning of a name should be important, because it helps shape your life in some odd way.
But in the case of theses two names there is other meaning that can help shape your life. That's legacy of both of those names. Hudson Taylor was one of the first Protestant missionaries to China that really tried to delve into the Chinese culture and not ask the people to become English Christians, but Chinese Christians. So whatever you do, I hope that you'll do with deep understanding and compassion. And Jael was a woman in the Bible who yes killed an enemy general-that's not what I'm asking for here. But I think it's more about a woman who was wily and brave who knew what the right thing to do was. Killing people today, unless you're in the army or something and it's wartime isn't good. Let's be clear. But I want you to be a woman who follows the Lord bravely. Your aunt Tara is a good example. She loves the Lord with all her heart and follow Him anywhere, she's a spiritual warrior if I ever saw one.
Anyway which ever you are, we will love you soooo much and try and do our best to raise you to love and follow the Lord. So while your name does have a legacy behind it, I want you to know that we love you no matter what. If you turn out like one of those people, or if you totally do your own thing. We love you for you.
Love,
Mommy
So it's just two days away from the big reveal. So Dan and I thought it would be fun and silly to find some of the old wives tales and see what they predict. So I procured this this from parenting.com and if you all have any other old wives tales tell me, and I'll do those too! (So long as I don't have to pee in a cup of Drano...sorry that one was out)
1. Do you carry your baby high or low?
I'm not really sure. I've never had a baby and I've never viewed other pregnant woman's stomach's close up. Neither has Dan. So he thinks I carry low and I think I'm carrying higher. So according to Dan it's a boy. And according to me it's a girl...
2. Is the heartbeat over 140?
Yep both times we heard it, it sure was! The first time was 166 the second was 144. So that means you're a girl!
3. Do you crave sweet things or sour and salty things?
Sour and salty all the way! French fries and sour candy. Ice cream and chocolate aren't doing it for me these days, but that could be more because milk has been bothering me. Anyway as far as this test goes, it's a boy!
4. What does the Chinese birth calendar say? This takes your age and the month you conceived and says if it's a boy or girl.
It's a boy!
5. Even or odd? Are the numbers of my age and the numbers of the year I conceived both even? Or is one even and one odd?
One is even and one is odd. It's a boy!
6. Am I breaking out like crazy?
Not too much. It's a boy!
7. If you tie your wedding ring to a string and let it dangle over your belly does it go back and forth or swing in a circle?
Back and forth. It's a girl!
8. How's the morning sickness?
Well considering we're officially at the halfway mark and I'm still puking...It's a girl!
So all that being said and done, we have 3 it's a girl, and 4 it's a boy and one inconclusive....So really we're no closer to finding the answer. But all in all doing this was fun, and it'll be fun to see which ones are right for this baby.
So right now everyone is super excited to find out what gender you are little one! Are you Hudson or Jael? It's funny, I was thinking about the meaning of both of those names and they both have something in common. They don't have the awesomest meanings out there. Hudson means Son of a hooded man and Jael means wild mountain goat. And I myself have always thought that the meaning of a name should be important, because it helps shape your life in some odd way.
But in the case of theses two names there is other meaning that can help shape your life. That's legacy of both of those names. Hudson Taylor was one of the first Protestant missionaries to China that really tried to delve into the Chinese culture and not ask the people to become English Christians, but Chinese Christians. So whatever you do, I hope that you'll do with deep understanding and compassion. And Jael was a woman in the Bible who yes killed an enemy general-that's not what I'm asking for here. But I think it's more about a woman who was wily and brave who knew what the right thing to do was. Killing people today, unless you're in the army or something and it's wartime isn't good. Let's be clear. But I want you to be a woman who follows the Lord bravely. Your aunt Tara is a good example. She loves the Lord with all her heart and follow Him anywhere, she's a spiritual warrior if I ever saw one.
Anyway which ever you are, we will love you soooo much and try and do our best to raise you to love and follow the Lord. So while your name does have a legacy behind it, I want you to know that we love you no matter what. If you turn out like one of those people, or if you totally do your own thing. We love you for you.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Heat wave!
Well the first of the summer heat here! Baahhh. We don't like the heat lemme tell you. Makes it hard to sleep or make food or anything! Something funny though about ya right now, you are the size of an avocado and you really love potatoes right now! Hmm speaking of potatoes....maybe that's what we should have for dinner. Anyway the jolly ranchers are still helping keep our tummy settled which is nice. Ohh guess what! Two things. One is that daddy offered to take me shopping to go get some nice maternity clothes. So now I have jeans that fit! Now I just need some shorts. Two is that tomorrow we get to go to the Dr. and check up on you. Daddy will hear your heartbeat for the first time. He's sooo excited! So am I! I love that little whirring sound. Or whoosing. Whichever. Anyway I know these little posts aren't always the most cohesive or anything but you should probably get used to it, I am your crazy momma after all :P
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Bumpin'
Well my little lemon sized sweetie, what has been going on with us? Well Now that you're 14 weeks old I'm finally getting a baby bump that is more pronounced than my own personal stomach fat :P I'm not gonna lie, I'm looking forward to looking big because I think I'll look pretty cute! Sadly however pants don't fit me quite right at the moment, so I'll have to do something about that soon. The other good news is that I've gotten a lot of my energy back. Not all of it mind you-I still enjoy naps, but no where near as tired and blah as before. That's also partly because the throwing up has mostly stopped. I still need medicine to keep okay for the day, but its not as urgent. The only problem we seem to be having is back problems. At the end of a work day I can't walk so Daddy has to half carry me to bed. I feel bad for him, but he's sweet and doesn't mind. He just worries about me being okay. I doubt you mind-all you probably feel is a bouncy ride, us hopping up and down trying to get to the bathroom and bed. Daddy also likes to say hello to you everyday and give you kisses. All of which he'll do all the more when you're here with us. Me too! We love you lots!
Love,
Mommy
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Your little heartbeat!
I got to hear it this time! Sadly daddy couldn't be there this time because he had to work this morning, but hopefully next time we get to hear it too. Then the trip after next we get to find out if you're a boy or a girl! This week you're 12 wks along and about the size of a plumb. Other than that you're doing well. I fall in love with you more and more everyday.
<3 Mommy
<3 Mommy
Saturday, April 9, 2011
New News!
Well little one, we thought that you were going to be born in the good old state of Kentucky, but instead you get to be born in Ohio! Now your father and I don't regret moving down here at all. We got to be a family and experience life as a couple and grow together and all kinds good happened here. The best thing of course being you! But we're excited to go back to your mommy's homeland and be with her people. This way you get to know all the wonderful people who care about me, daddy, and you. Your grandma and grandpa, the amazing Frenchs and Katie, and so many other people who will love you soooo much! It's also nice for mommy to be around them so she won't go too crazy like she did sometimes in Kentucky.
So what's new with you? Well right now I'm at 11 wks and that means you're the size of a lime! You're growing bones and cartilage right now I believe and your little fingers and toes are no longer webbed. Also mommy's belly is starting to poke out a little more than usual. It's that weird in between is she fat or pregnant! Haha you'll probably understand someday. Anyway grow big fast so there's no doubt in anyone's mind and so that you can come out sooner! Next week is our next Dr.s appt. so I guess we'll know more on how you're doing then.
Love,
Mommy
So what's new with you? Well right now I'm at 11 wks and that means you're the size of a lime! You're growing bones and cartilage right now I believe and your little fingers and toes are no longer webbed. Also mommy's belly is starting to poke out a little more than usual. It's that weird in between is she fat or pregnant! Haha you'll probably understand someday. Anyway grow big fast so there's no doubt in anyone's mind and so that you can come out sooner! Next week is our next Dr.s appt. so I guess we'll know more on how you're doing then.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, March 24, 2011
How big are you really?
This one has your new due date of 10/24/2011. That means that's when you'll be arriving in this much colder, less liquidy world. But there will be lots of love out here and people who care about you, so it evens out in the end.
PS You don't like chili or the smell of bread (Daddy says we'll have to work on that, once you get out anyway :P )
PS You don't like chili or the smell of bread (Daddy says we'll have to work on that, once you get out anyway :P )
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I see you!!!
So my little one, the other day-Monday I went to the Dr. with daddy and got to hear some more about what I should and shouldn't eat, ask a few questions and get some morning sickness medicine! So I've been able to take that and we feel great again and that means you get more food! The best part of the visit though was scheduling our ultrasound so we could see you! After we left we went to Mr. Kabobs and had middle eastern food and then to Krispy Cream and then to get my medicine. It was a long afternoon but one well spent.
Then today came the big moment. Ultrasound day! I was worried because whenever I see anyone else ultrasound pictures, I have no idea what I am looking at. But when you were up on that big tv screen you were as clear as day! I could see your head and where your little arms and feet were forming, and the best part of all was that we saw your heart beating! Both daddy and I were mesmerized by you. We were smiling so big and I was almost crying because I was so happy! Then she printed out your picture for us to take home. I think I was probably glowing-I might still be. Then we went to Mr. Kabobs again and then to the public library where I got some books, then to daddy's school's library and he got a book and showed off your picture to his coworkers and we scanned it onto the computer. After that I walked home while dad went to talk to some people at the office (I wanted to walk so I could get some exercise-since I"m supposed to be doing so) and then I read on a bench outside because the sun was shining-reflecting my mood I think :p and dad came home and we went upstairs. Then I finally announced to the world (via facebook) that you were on your way and I put up your picture and the day that you're supposed to be coming out to see us all! So just be ready because from here on out your life will be on the interwebz! Not that you know what the interwebz are yet, but we shall teach you. You'll be our little geek in training! We love you!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Haha no more M&Ms
My tastes for what I can keep down change daily. Makes it pretty hard to plan ahead for when I'm at work or if I'm already at the store. At any rate I get to go to the Dr. a day early, so that's next Monday. I'm pretty excited about that. Hopefully I get some medicine, that would be good.
But what was cool was that I had a dream about you. Well I don't know if it was you you, but you were my baby. I gave birth to you and held you while we slept. I called you Ruthie-probably because that's the last baby I held. My dreams don't mean much but it gave me a sense of happiness that you were my little one. I woke up and thought that you should be there with me. Soon you will be.
But what was cool was that I had a dream about you. Well I don't know if it was you you, but you were my baby. I gave birth to you and held you while we slept. I called you Ruthie-probably because that's the last baby I held. My dreams don't mean much but it gave me a sense of happiness that you were my little one. I woke up and thought that you should be there with me. Soon you will be.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Seeing what's what.
Little one I must say. It's been a pretty bad few days. I went to church and couldn't sty because the smell was so strong and it was so loud. It was sensory overload. So Daddy and I went outside and then he went to get the car. During that time a little boy came up to me and ask to sit on the bench next to me. He had a stick he had found and was talking to me about it and he told me his name and that he liked Star Wars. The whole thing just made me really happy. It was like the Lord saying hey it's gonna be alright.
The next three days after were a trial though. I was horribly sick Monday throwing up three times. I did find that I could eat tortilla chips, green tea and M&Ms. But that didn't work for too long because today i was hungry and not hungry. I had to leave work early because I felt pretty bad. Then my boss told me that she's going to limit my hours to like 5 and I have to call to sees if I can come in for more. But after that frustration daddy let me cry in frustration on his shoulder and then got me a Big Mac and then I ate it all down and felt better. But I was still hungry so daddy made me eggs and toast. Unfortunately I realized too late that I shouldn't have eaten so much and it just made me sick again. But I got my self together and we went to a friends house. Matt and Sara Beth. They just had a baby a month and a half ago. So we finally got a chance to meet her. She was precious. She was a bit fussy when I held her-she was kinda hungry. But after she was fed then your daddy held her. It was a really good moment. She feel asleep in his arms and woke up and he was making all kinds of faces and kissing her little hand. All the wonderful things he'll do to you too! It made me feel even better that he's gonna be your daddy. The whole time he was holding her it was like a golden fuzzy frame was around them. I can't wait to see him hold you.
IT was also nice to talk to Matt and Sara Beth because they had a lot of good advice. They also made me feel good that the feelings of frustration I have right now because of the sickness is pretty normal. So while I may not let you read this journal for a long time, I'll let you read it when you have your own children. Because you're not alone. And if you feel frustrated talk to someone who has recently been there. Trust me they'll remember better. Of course they said it's all worth it in the end and I know it is, but in the meantime its good to be understood. This will all work out I know. I wish I could kiss your little face right now but I'll have to wait for awhile. I love you lots!
Love mommy
The next three days after were a trial though. I was horribly sick Monday throwing up three times. I did find that I could eat tortilla chips, green tea and M&Ms. But that didn't work for too long because today i was hungry and not hungry. I had to leave work early because I felt pretty bad. Then my boss told me that she's going to limit my hours to like 5 and I have to call to sees if I can come in for more. But after that frustration daddy let me cry in frustration on his shoulder and then got me a Big Mac and then I ate it all down and felt better. But I was still hungry so daddy made me eggs and toast. Unfortunately I realized too late that I shouldn't have eaten so much and it just made me sick again. But I got my self together and we went to a friends house. Matt and Sara Beth. They just had a baby a month and a half ago. So we finally got a chance to meet her. She was precious. She was a bit fussy when I held her-she was kinda hungry. But after she was fed then your daddy held her. It was a really good moment. She feel asleep in his arms and woke up and he was making all kinds of faces and kissing her little hand. All the wonderful things he'll do to you too! It made me feel even better that he's gonna be your daddy. The whole time he was holding her it was like a golden fuzzy frame was around them. I can't wait to see him hold you.
IT was also nice to talk to Matt and Sara Beth because they had a lot of good advice. They also made me feel good that the feelings of frustration I have right now because of the sickness is pretty normal. So while I may not let you read this journal for a long time, I'll let you read it when you have your own children. Because you're not alone. And if you feel frustrated talk to someone who has recently been there. Trust me they'll remember better. Of course they said it's all worth it in the end and I know it is, but in the meantime its good to be understood. This will all work out I know. I wish I could kiss your little face right now but I'll have to wait for awhile. I love you lots!
Love mommy
Friday, February 25, 2011
Playin the game
Wow first of all I"m watching Xena...blast from the bast. I used to think this was such a great show. Now within 5 minutes my worldview has been shattered. Things are like that little one. Life is going a long just how you planned it more or less and then boom something happens and it all changes. Time happens, little changes you wouldn't even suspect. Time, time.
Anyway things with you my poppy seed are going well I think. I am nauseous often, but thankfully I am able to tame my stomach. I like to think of it as a game. I call it cravings and aversions. I am averse to the things that will make me throw up and crave that which won't. Good times, good times.
But what I really can't wait for is to go to the Dr.! Then I get to find out more about you. Maybe even hear your little heartbeat! You're daddy will be with me so he'll get to hear it too. I just can't wait till you're here. Of course there's a lot to do in the meantime, find a new place to live so that you'll have a room all on your own, decorate your room, buy lots of diapers and adorable clothes. You have good grandparents that are going to help with all that. Not to mention spoil you rotten.They're very excited about you. Everyone is. Everyone already wants to buy you wonderful things and hear your little squees and giggles. I want to hear them too, so very much. So come when you can, when you're in good health and I shall be waiting for you.
See you at the end of the tunnel,
Mommy (Daddy will be there too)
Anyway things with you my poppy seed are going well I think. I am nauseous often, but thankfully I am able to tame my stomach. I like to think of it as a game. I call it cravings and aversions. I am averse to the things that will make me throw up and crave that which won't. Good times, good times.
But what I really can't wait for is to go to the Dr.! Then I get to find out more about you. Maybe even hear your little heartbeat! You're daddy will be with me so he'll get to hear it too. I just can't wait till you're here. Of course there's a lot to do in the meantime, find a new place to live so that you'll have a room all on your own, decorate your room, buy lots of diapers and adorable clothes. You have good grandparents that are going to help with all that. Not to mention spoil you rotten.They're very excited about you. Everyone is. Everyone already wants to buy you wonderful things and hear your little squees and giggles. I want to hear them too, so very much. So come when you can, when you're in good health and I shall be waiting for you.
See you at the end of the tunnel,
Mommy (Daddy will be there too)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
What a day
Well my little one, you're creating quite the stir in there. My dad, your grandpa got us a book about what to expect during the next 9 months and it said that "In some ways your body(mine) is working harder when it's resting than a marathon runner during a race." Or something like that. Boy don't I know it. I'm not gonna lie to you, I've been getting a lot of "morning sickness". But don't let the name fool you. It's not really just for the morning. It's pretty much on and off throughout the day. I had to leave work for awhile. Not that I minded really though :P It's hard going through this sometimes, but I remember what all this is for and I make it through for you.
I was also thinking today that I sure couldn't do this without your daddy. He takes good care of me, giving me foot and back rubs and making/getting me food, and being supportive about everything in general. So if you turn out to be a little girl, you better make sure you've got yourself a good man and that you marry him before you have little ones on your own. Doing this on my own would be really really really hard. And if you're a boy then you listen here young man. When you get to fallin in love, you make sure that girl is the one and you put a ring on her finger before you get into any funny business. Then you stand by her side throughout everything that happens. You make her chicken and rice and 11pm if that's what it takes. You promise her a dog if that's what it takes. You go to the Dr.s with her and share your thoughts and feelings about the pregnancy with her. Otherwise you will never be too old to be grounded for life. Just saying. Okay I love you. Be good in there and I'll be seeing ya.
Love, Mommy
I was also thinking today that I sure couldn't do this without your daddy. He takes good care of me, giving me foot and back rubs and making/getting me food, and being supportive about everything in general. So if you turn out to be a little girl, you better make sure you've got yourself a good man and that you marry him before you have little ones on your own. Doing this on my own would be really really really hard. And if you're a boy then you listen here young man. When you get to fallin in love, you make sure that girl is the one and you put a ring on her finger before you get into any funny business. Then you stand by her side throughout everything that happens. You make her chicken and rice and 11pm if that's what it takes. You promise her a dog if that's what it takes. You go to the Dr.s with her and share your thoughts and feelings about the pregnancy with her. Otherwise you will never be too old to be grounded for life. Just saying. Okay I love you. Be good in there and I'll be seeing ya.
Love, Mommy
Monday, February 21, 2011
I'm having a baby!
Well would you looky there. Two lines. Ummmmm. Freaks out. An hour later, "Dan you should get off the computer now. I have an early Valentine's Day present for you." "We're...we're having a baby aren't we." "Yep we are." To be honest I cried because I was scared. Me a parent? Where are we going to get the money from? My life is totally gonna change. How are we going to do this? Dan told me not to cry that things will be okay. I finally calmed down. Dan was freaking out on the inside but he was really there for me. Really sweet. Later that night he made me so happy. He spoke to my belly and said "No matter what I'm going to do my best to take care of you and your mommy." Of course I cried again, this time because I was happy.
The next day I got to make a bunch of phone calls and tell people all about you. First my dad and Diane, then my mom, then Katie, Tara and Mommyo. Of course Dan made his separate phone calls too. All the while we were shopping and going around town. We had Chipotle to celebrate. Later on I discovered some great websites about pregnancy and babies and I found out that when I found out about you, that you were the size of a poppy seed. And yes whether you are a boy or girl that will be your nickname for awhile. I love you little one. With each day brings more excitement to see you. And yes I'm gonna write about morning sickness and weird cravings and my thoughts about your nursery here. You might not ever read it. But if you do, know that you are worth it.
Love, your mommy (that felt weird to write :P )
The next day I got to make a bunch of phone calls and tell people all about you. First my dad and Diane, then my mom, then Katie, Tara and Mommyo. Of course Dan made his separate phone calls too. All the while we were shopping and going around town. We had Chipotle to celebrate. Later on I discovered some great websites about pregnancy and babies and I found out that when I found out about you, that you were the size of a poppy seed. And yes whether you are a boy or girl that will be your nickname for awhile. I love you little one. With each day brings more excitement to see you. And yes I'm gonna write about morning sickness and weird cravings and my thoughts about your nursery here. You might not ever read it. But if you do, know that you are worth it.
Love, your mommy (that felt weird to write :P )
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