Hope

Hope. Such a dangerous idea. I want to hold onto it so much. But I want to protect myself from it too. I know, my little princess, that your diagnosis is dire. Incompatible with life. I've seen the stats. There is a 1/4 chance you won't make it to and through birth. After that the Drs. all say pretty much the same thing. As soon as you're born or very soon after you will die. But what if. I have heard 2 stories now of children with the same diagnosis one living for 2 months, one living for 4 months. Of course as soon as I type that the doubts flood. Other kids have died sooner, other kids didn't have spinal bifida on top of things. There's too many unknowns. Too many what ifs.

But I want to keep hoping. I want to hold you in my arms and give you all the love I can. I want you to feel the cool fall breeze on your cheek. I want you to smell flowers, pumpkin pie, hazelnut and your daddy's chicken curry. I want you to see the blue sky. I want you to sleep in a bassinet next to our bed and I want to wake up to you crying or squeaking and making cute noises. So many things I want for you, that make up my dreams. But things might not go that way. So daily I have to battle. Do I hope for the best and prepare for the worst like I say that I do? Or do I prepare for the worst and expect it too? It's a hard balance to strike. One I don't know if I've done or not. The Bible talks a lot about hope. I had a verse in my mind but I like this one instead for now. I Corinthians 13:7 It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I know I don't have perfect love. Only the Lord has that, and let me tell you baby girl He loves you perfectly and so much more and better than I can. But I pray that He will fill me with Himself so I can love and hope and do all the best I can for you.

I also want to mention my "little mountain goat" that you did so well today during our fluid draining. It was a little painful for me and I was worried that I might upset you too much, but you were very calm and stayed away from the needle just like you were supposed to. So I'm grateful to the Lord for that. I'm also grateful He gave me just the right name for you. You know why? Goats can be pretty stubborn and determined. And you my little love hang on just like that. The Lord has always known you-before I did and before time itself! So keep hanging on to life. I'll keep fighting for you, and the Lord always keeps you in the palm of His hand.
Know you are the apple of the Lord's eye.
I love you,
Mommy