What color were your eyes?

It's a question that I'll probably wonder the rest of my life. Your eyes weren't really open, and they seemed to have a sort of film over what I could see. I didn't want to lift your eyelids then but now I kinda wish I did. I wish I had seen all of you, that I hadn't been so afraid. Now I'll never know. Not until heaven I guess. Heaven seems so far away sometimes.
Had the hospice lady come today. A counselor. I don't think our personalities meshed very well. She was a little off-putting to me, and I didn't find her to be helpful at all. At least it brought up things for me and daddy to talk about when she was gone. Gave me a chance to cry and feel things that I was holding back. I don't mean to do that, to just put things on the back shelf. Well sometimes I do, but normally it pushes its way forward. The last few days it's just stayed in the back and I felt emptyish. I guess the lady did say that sometimes it takes just as much energy to not think about it as to think about it, if not more. So I guess that makes me feel...not better. Hm maybe more normal. Anyway I know to watch out for it. I'm so tired a lot. Also she looked at some of your pictures. I like to show you off so that made me happy. And I looked at them again myself. I had been having trouble pulling them out. You were so beautiful.
I told daddy it frustrates me so that other moms can post tons of baby pictures, but I really can't. Even the ones I have, I have to be selective with. People who don't know you wouldn't understand why your face was darker and why your eyes look different from other babies. Even if they did maybe other people would think its strange for me to even have pictures taken of you even though you were gone from us. But its the only memories we have with you. Though I desperately wish that wasn't the case. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think. But I want you to be honored and maybe that means I only get to show you to a few people. You get to be our precious JEM. And anyone who gets to know you is blessed.
Love,
Mommy