I'm still sad most days. It's hard not to be. Sometimes it feels like its hard to function, like I'm just a shell full of sadness. I know that's not how you would want me to be. But it's hard not to lay there at night and wish I was holding you and not just your little blankie. I am glad I have it though. And your little heartbeat bear. I play your heartbeat a lot. Reminds me of the happy feelings we had at the dr.s office. But I have to try to keep going. God had a purpose and plan for you. And He does for me too. I know I'm allowed to be sad, but I can't let it consume me. That's going to be my goal. I wish it weren't so hard. I do something with friends or daddy and I feel okay for awhile. But if I just sit myself or have much time to think about things I become down again.
Also I'm a little worried that I've lost my good eating habits. I don't drink as much water and I've eaten 2 bags of chocolate chex mix in two days. It's just so good. I wish milk and all that still tasted funny and I could eat fruit again. It's silly to worry about. I just won't buy anymore chocolate chex eh?
Something nice though is that I've been able to have fires in the fire place. It makes things cozier down here. You would have liked it. Makes everything nice and warm. And since you wouldn't be able to walk yet I wouldn't have to worry about you trying to get to it. Maybe your brother or sisters I'll have to watch with that in a few years. Some days I don't know if I want kids. They'll never be you. I'm sure I'll love them for them,but I'll still think of you. Still love you. I'll always do that.
Love, Mommy
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