You should have been 2 weeks old yesterday. I feel like I say that with some anger. I guess I do. I feel like it's unfair that you aren't here. Not logically. Logically I know that God had/has a purpose for your death and that things will work out for good in the long run. I know I don't deserve anything at all really. But it hurts so much and everyone else can be happy but not me. There are all these people and I just want to scream at them that my baby girl is dead, how can you just sit there and be happy? Like the florist today when we went to pick up flowers for you. She was just throwing the flowers around and not treating them gently at all and I just wanted to yell at her and ask if she had any decency or respect at all. I know it doesn't matter because we picked your flowers and they were lovely and I know you liked them, but it just hurts.
I think that's partly why the hospice lady bothered me. She was wearing a jean jacket and a beaded belt with charms hanging off of it. And it seems shallow but I feel like she should at least be professional and be sad like me-or at least dress like it. Tara says it's a good thing that she is objective because maybe she can be more helpful. She's right-though we're still going to ask for a new person I think.
But I am glad Tara pointed that out, so I don't scream at the florist. She was also pushy which always gets me no matter what state of mind I'm in. She had a meeting or something I guess.
Speaking of Tara, she let me sleep over there last night. I watched Thor, which probably would have been a find movie but took place in like 2 days. People don't change that fast. After that we pretty much went to sleep.
Today was daddy's first day of work at his new job. That's why I wanted to make sure I was with people so I wouldn't be too sad. It worked okay. The whole morning I had to figure out how to get daddy's lunch to him. I did eventually :) It was nice to see him. Then I kept hanging out with Mommyo, she's letting me make a photo album with pictures of you in it! It's a lot of fun, but it's really hard too.
It's hard to look at pictures of you and know I won't see the sweetheart in them again. Not in this life anyway. It just makes me long to kiss your face and hold your hands again. And then I hurt all over again.
Of course we went to see you again today. I can't bear to think of you not having flowers. I partly because right now there is nothing else to mark your grave and I don't want you to feel like you're unloved or forgotten. I know in my head you know you are beyond loved by the Lord and you know we care, but I can't let go yet. Sometimes I wonder when I'll be able to.Sometimes I worry that daddy will want to stop going before me. I don't know how to feel about it. Is it a good thing, a bad thing, just a thing. I don't know, I have so many emotions its hard to figure them out.
I miss you so much baby girl. I don't know how many times I wanted to open this blog up and just write that over and over. Someday. That's all I can cling to right now. Anything else and I fall apart.
Love, Mommy
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