I've been having a lot of trouble lately. Trouble finding the words to say I miss you. I just keep it all inside. I don't know how to express myself anymore and I get so angry. And it builds up and builds up. And I've been having trouble crying. I finally did after a few days this evening. I feel a little better-a very little. Though I don't feel very well physically. I can hardly write anything.
I tell people that I'm going to try and go back to work next week. I don't really want to. I hate the thought of people asking me how being a mom is. I'm afraid I'll just go and start to break down in front of everyone and cry. I don't want to work there anymore. I don't really want to work anywhere. Who likes working anyway?
So much pain. You should have been 3 weeks old today. It was horrible at church Sunday. PT was doing the announcements and he was saying how two women who just had babies had brought them to church for the first time. Then he asked how many weeks the first was-4 weeks in a couple days and the second was 2 weeks in a couple days. Born one week before and one week after you. It seems like a cruel joke. Something that will constantly taunt/haunt me for the rest of my life. People might say that I won't always feel that way, I'll have other kids, but what do they know? Most likely nothing. I pretty much just hate everyone right now though so that could be the reason for the attitude. Actually I don't. I"m just angry and anyone could be the focal point of my anger for no reason whatsoever. Just unlucky they are I guess.
I'm probably going to be up all night. I took a nap earlier. But I"m in pain so I wish i weren't. I wish a lot of things that aren't going to happen though so. So nothing. And that's the point isn't it.
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