I've been having a lot of trouble lately. Trouble finding the words to say I miss you. I just keep it all inside. I don't know how to express myself anymore and I get so angry. And it builds up and builds up. And I've been having trouble crying. I finally did after a few days this evening. I feel a little better-a very little. Though I don't feel very well physically. I can hardly write anything.
I tell people that I'm going to try and go back to work next week. I don't really want to. I hate the thought of people asking me how being a mom is. I'm afraid I'll just go and start to break down in front of everyone and cry. I don't want to work there anymore. I don't really want to work anywhere. Who likes working anyway?
So much pain. You should have been 3 weeks old today. It was horrible at church Sunday. PT was doing the announcements and he was saying how two women who just had babies had brought them to church for the first time. Then he asked how many weeks the first was-4 weeks in a couple days and the second was 2 weeks in a couple days. Born one week before and one week after you. It seems like a cruel joke. Something that will constantly taunt/haunt me for the rest of my life. People might say that I won't always feel that way, I'll have other kids, but what do they know? Most likely nothing. I pretty much just hate everyone right now though so that could be the reason for the attitude. Actually I don't. I"m just angry and anyone could be the focal point of my anger for no reason whatsoever. Just unlucky they are I guess.
I'm probably going to be up all night. I took a nap earlier. But I"m in pain so I wish i weren't. I wish a lot of things that aren't going to happen though so. So nothing. And that's the point isn't it.
My little poppy seed
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
This sums it up not half bad.
"From Where You Are"
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
-LifeHouse
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here
-LifeHouse
Way too many thoughts rushing through my mind to have a title
You should have been 2 weeks old yesterday. I feel like I say that with some anger. I guess I do. I feel like it's unfair that you aren't here. Not logically. Logically I know that God had/has a purpose for your death and that things will work out for good in the long run. I know I don't deserve anything at all really. But it hurts so much and everyone else can be happy but not me. There are all these people and I just want to scream at them that my baby girl is dead, how can you just sit there and be happy? Like the florist today when we went to pick up flowers for you. She was just throwing the flowers around and not treating them gently at all and I just wanted to yell at her and ask if she had any decency or respect at all. I know it doesn't matter because we picked your flowers and they were lovely and I know you liked them, but it just hurts.
I think that's partly why the hospice lady bothered me. She was wearing a jean jacket and a beaded belt with charms hanging off of it. And it seems shallow but I feel like she should at least be professional and be sad like me-or at least dress like it. Tara says it's a good thing that she is objective because maybe she can be more helpful. She's right-though we're still going to ask for a new person I think.
But I am glad Tara pointed that out, so I don't scream at the florist. She was also pushy which always gets me no matter what state of mind I'm in. She had a meeting or something I guess.
Speaking of Tara, she let me sleep over there last night. I watched Thor, which probably would have been a find movie but took place in like 2 days. People don't change that fast. After that we pretty much went to sleep.
Today was daddy's first day of work at his new job. That's why I wanted to make sure I was with people so I wouldn't be too sad. It worked okay. The whole morning I had to figure out how to get daddy's lunch to him. I did eventually :) It was nice to see him. Then I kept hanging out with Mommyo, she's letting me make a photo album with pictures of you in it! It's a lot of fun, but it's really hard too.
It's hard to look at pictures of you and know I won't see the sweetheart in them again. Not in this life anyway. It just makes me long to kiss your face and hold your hands again. And then I hurt all over again.
Of course we went to see you again today. I can't bear to think of you not having flowers. I partly because right now there is nothing else to mark your grave and I don't want you to feel like you're unloved or forgotten. I know in my head you know you are beyond loved by the Lord and you know we care, but I can't let go yet. Sometimes I wonder when I'll be able to.Sometimes I worry that daddy will want to stop going before me. I don't know how to feel about it. Is it a good thing, a bad thing, just a thing. I don't know, I have so many emotions its hard to figure them out.
I miss you so much baby girl. I don't know how many times I wanted to open this blog up and just write that over and over. Someday. That's all I can cling to right now. Anything else and I fall apart.
Love, Mommy
I think that's partly why the hospice lady bothered me. She was wearing a jean jacket and a beaded belt with charms hanging off of it. And it seems shallow but I feel like she should at least be professional and be sad like me-or at least dress like it. Tara says it's a good thing that she is objective because maybe she can be more helpful. She's right-though we're still going to ask for a new person I think.
But I am glad Tara pointed that out, so I don't scream at the florist. She was also pushy which always gets me no matter what state of mind I'm in. She had a meeting or something I guess.
Speaking of Tara, she let me sleep over there last night. I watched Thor, which probably would have been a find movie but took place in like 2 days. People don't change that fast. After that we pretty much went to sleep.
Today was daddy's first day of work at his new job. That's why I wanted to make sure I was with people so I wouldn't be too sad. It worked okay. The whole morning I had to figure out how to get daddy's lunch to him. I did eventually :) It was nice to see him. Then I kept hanging out with Mommyo, she's letting me make a photo album with pictures of you in it! It's a lot of fun, but it's really hard too.
It's hard to look at pictures of you and know I won't see the sweetheart in them again. Not in this life anyway. It just makes me long to kiss your face and hold your hands again. And then I hurt all over again.
Of course we went to see you again today. I can't bear to think of you not having flowers. I partly because right now there is nothing else to mark your grave and I don't want you to feel like you're unloved or forgotten. I know in my head you know you are beyond loved by the Lord and you know we care, but I can't let go yet. Sometimes I wonder when I'll be able to.Sometimes I worry that daddy will want to stop going before me. I don't know how to feel about it. Is it a good thing, a bad thing, just a thing. I don't know, I have so many emotions its hard to figure them out.
I miss you so much baby girl. I don't know how many times I wanted to open this blog up and just write that over and over. Someday. That's all I can cling to right now. Anything else and I fall apart.
Love, Mommy
Monday, November 7, 2011
What color were your eyes?
It's a question that I'll probably wonder the rest of my life. Your eyes weren't really open, and they seemed to have a sort of film over what I could see. I didn't want to lift your eyelids then but now I kinda wish I did. I wish I had seen all of you, that I hadn't been so afraid. Now I'll never know. Not until heaven I guess. Heaven seems so far away sometimes.
Had the hospice lady come today. A counselor. I don't think our personalities meshed very well. She was a little off-putting to me, and I didn't find her to be helpful at all. At least it brought up things for me and daddy to talk about when she was gone. Gave me a chance to cry and feel things that I was holding back. I don't mean to do that, to just put things on the back shelf. Well sometimes I do, but normally it pushes its way forward. The last few days it's just stayed in the back and I felt emptyish. I guess the lady did say that sometimes it takes just as much energy to not think about it as to think about it, if not more. So I guess that makes me feel...not better. Hm maybe more normal. Anyway I know to watch out for it. I'm so tired a lot. Also she looked at some of your pictures. I like to show you off so that made me happy. And I looked at them again myself. I had been having trouble pulling them out. You were so beautiful.
I told daddy it frustrates me so that other moms can post tons of baby pictures, but I really can't. Even the ones I have, I have to be selective with. People who don't know you wouldn't understand why your face was darker and why your eyes look different from other babies. Even if they did maybe other people would think its strange for me to even have pictures taken of you even though you were gone from us. But its the only memories we have with you. Though I desperately wish that wasn't the case. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think. But I want you to be honored and maybe that means I only get to show you to a few people. You get to be our precious JEM. And anyone who gets to know you is blessed.
Love,
Mommy
Had the hospice lady come today. A counselor. I don't think our personalities meshed very well. She was a little off-putting to me, and I didn't find her to be helpful at all. At least it brought up things for me and daddy to talk about when she was gone. Gave me a chance to cry and feel things that I was holding back. I don't mean to do that, to just put things on the back shelf. Well sometimes I do, but normally it pushes its way forward. The last few days it's just stayed in the back and I felt emptyish. I guess the lady did say that sometimes it takes just as much energy to not think about it as to think about it, if not more. So I guess that makes me feel...not better. Hm maybe more normal. Anyway I know to watch out for it. I'm so tired a lot. Also she looked at some of your pictures. I like to show you off so that made me happy. And I looked at them again myself. I had been having trouble pulling them out. You were so beautiful.
I told daddy it frustrates me so that other moms can post tons of baby pictures, but I really can't. Even the ones I have, I have to be selective with. People who don't know you wouldn't understand why your face was darker and why your eyes look different from other babies. Even if they did maybe other people would think its strange for me to even have pictures taken of you even though you were gone from us. But its the only memories we have with you. Though I desperately wish that wasn't the case. I know it shouldn't matter what other people think. But I want you to be honored and maybe that means I only get to show you to a few people. You get to be our precious JEM. And anyone who gets to know you is blessed.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I still miss you love
I'm still sad most days. It's hard not to be. Sometimes it feels like its hard to function, like I'm just a shell full of sadness. I know that's not how you would want me to be. But it's hard not to lay there at night and wish I was holding you and not just your little blankie. I am glad I have it though. And your little heartbeat bear. I play your heartbeat a lot. Reminds me of the happy feelings we had at the dr.s office. But I have to try to keep going. God had a purpose and plan for you. And He does for me too. I know I'm allowed to be sad, but I can't let it consume me. That's going to be my goal. I wish it weren't so hard. I do something with friends or daddy and I feel okay for awhile. But if I just sit myself or have much time to think about things I become down again.
Also I'm a little worried that I've lost my good eating habits. I don't drink as much water and I've eaten 2 bags of chocolate chex mix in two days. It's just so good. I wish milk and all that still tasted funny and I could eat fruit again. It's silly to worry about. I just won't buy anymore chocolate chex eh?
Something nice though is that I've been able to have fires in the fire place. It makes things cozier down here. You would have liked it. Makes everything nice and warm. And since you wouldn't be able to walk yet I wouldn't have to worry about you trying to get to it. Maybe your brother or sisters I'll have to watch with that in a few years. Some days I don't know if I want kids. They'll never be you. I'm sure I'll love them for them,but I'll still think of you. Still love you. I'll always do that.
Love, Mommy
Also I'm a little worried that I've lost my good eating habits. I don't drink as much water and I've eaten 2 bags of chocolate chex mix in two days. It's just so good. I wish milk and all that still tasted funny and I could eat fruit again. It's silly to worry about. I just won't buy anymore chocolate chex eh?
Something nice though is that I've been able to have fires in the fire place. It makes things cozier down here. You would have liked it. Makes everything nice and warm. And since you wouldn't be able to walk yet I wouldn't have to worry about you trying to get to it. Maybe your brother or sisters I'll have to watch with that in a few years. Some days I don't know if I want kids. They'll never be you. I'm sure I'll love them for them,but I'll still think of you. Still love you. I'll always do that.
Love, Mommy
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Drowning
I don't feel like I can do this. I miss you too much. I can usually hold it together during the day. But at night when I'm tired and don't have the energy to keep telling myself I'm okay, I fall apart. You should have been a week old today. Not a week gone from me. I just want you back. To hold your hands in mine and kiss your face. But I can't do that anymore. I know I should be grateful for the time I had with you, lots of people don't even get that. But I don't care what others have or don't have. I just want you here.
I'm going to see you tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'll bring you a pretty pink flower. I don't know though. maybe you're tired of pink? Also I'm reminded I need to find a group to talk about you. I can't do this alone. I have daddy, but he can't do everything for me. He already does so much. Of course he's always willing to talk to me about you and let me cry. He misses you too.
Hey I finally finished the drawing of your name. Well the drawing was finished awhile ago, but I hadn't finished the pastels. Now I have. I read that channeling my feelings into something positive might help. I guess. For awhile anyway. I love you Jael.
Love, Mommy
I'm going to see you tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'll bring you a pretty pink flower. I don't know though. maybe you're tired of pink? Also I'm reminded I need to find a group to talk about you. I can't do this alone. I have daddy, but he can't do everything for me. He already does so much. Of course he's always willing to talk to me about you and let me cry. He misses you too.
Hey I finally finished the drawing of your name. Well the drawing was finished awhile ago, but I hadn't finished the pastels. Now I have. I read that channeling my feelings into something positive might help. I guess. For awhile anyway. I love you Jael.
Love, Mommy
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween sadness
Well I started writing about labor yesterday but I had to go to bed half way and tonight I'm on a different computer and too tired to finish. So today was Halloween. Usually not a big deal. Today started that way. Played with the dog, slept some more, read the Bible, got stuff ready to go out for the day. Went to Wal-mart to picture up some photo cards I made of you Jael. That way I could give them to the dr.s that were so nice and all. The lady there asked if I was your mommy and congratulated me. I said thank you and then she asked how old you were. I said you were born last Tuesday. I almost started to cry. After I got some of your pictures we went to an interview for daddy and lunch and then Dr.s. We gave the dr.s your pictures and they were thrilled. So that made me feel good. The dr. also said I was healing up just fine. That was good news.
Later we went to a store and I bought a hat that has a cat on it. Daddy said I looked really cute. Then we went to a friends house. We had yummy dinner and for awhile I wasn't too sad. I can't help it though. I just think about you all the time. I miss you. After dinner we sat outside to pass out candy bars. Seeing all the kids in costumes made me think of a cow costume that I saw that I would have loved to put you in. Not that we really do Halloween, but it still would have been cute. I was also thinking how nice it would be if daddy started a fire and you and he and I were sitting on the couch feeding and rocking you and enjoying being a family. So eventually instead of crying I decided to go inside. Then Tara,daddy and I went to the store and that helped take my mind off things. But not for long.
It was also a sad day because another person from church one year ago lost their little girl. Maybe you've met her? I hope so. I bet you've made so many new friends. I wish I could be there to guide you and see you grow. I wonder if you will grow while I'm away or if you'll still be my little baby girl. I guess I won't know until we meet again.
I still love you always,
Mommy
Later we went to a store and I bought a hat that has a cat on it. Daddy said I looked really cute. Then we went to a friends house. We had yummy dinner and for awhile I wasn't too sad. I can't help it though. I just think about you all the time. I miss you. After dinner we sat outside to pass out candy bars. Seeing all the kids in costumes made me think of a cow costume that I saw that I would have loved to put you in. Not that we really do Halloween, but it still would have been cute. I was also thinking how nice it would be if daddy started a fire and you and he and I were sitting on the couch feeding and rocking you and enjoying being a family. So eventually instead of crying I decided to go inside. Then Tara,daddy and I went to the store and that helped take my mind off things. But not for long.
It was also a sad day because another person from church one year ago lost their little girl. Maybe you've met her? I hope so. I bet you've made so many new friends. I wish I could be there to guide you and see you grow. I wonder if you will grow while I'm away or if you'll still be my little baby girl. I guess I won't know until we meet again.
I still love you always,
Mommy
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